Riot Ry’s blog

Its been a long time since I wrote something and alot has happened. And I've found out somethings about myself that people have told me... Not positive things...

I don't know why I am kept around anymore... If I'm that horrible why am I kept around? Why keep me? Why ask my opinion? Why touch my hand, why kiss me, why trust me, why give me love, why give me attention, why hug me, why wipe my tears away, why when I am just this bad?

Someone told me I have a "disposition"... I guess I always had one... No matter how much I laugh in my laugh I'll have frown lines when I grow old... When I am old I have this pit in my stomach feeling that I'll be alone. That when I die my obitchuary will be a sentence long and long forgotten in a small town newspaper...

I constantly ask my self if I am capable of being a good person that CAN be happy more than once a day... Apparently to people I am moody, have an attitude, have a temper, constantly butt heads, and am quick to point out flaws... Wow. Im a GREAT person...

I've always thought, yeah I can be a pesimistic person, but then when I'm happy more people notice. I am quick to snap, blow up small mole hills into dynamite filled mountains, force my tears inward into resentment, cram my problems, shelve answers, breakdown to cry, I'm NEEDY.... Why keep me around when I can feel so undesirable... Wow, strong word... Makes tears come to my eyes to admit that's how I feel. Undesirable. "Because we love you.." Is an answer I've heard... but still. I just want to be a person that is desired, that doesn't have those negative flaws that have to be "dealt" with by other people. I don't want to be refered to as "that boyfriend" or "asshole" or "over-reacting".... I want to be more than "Just Ry"... Because that's how I feel. Like it's just me... Nothing more. Just Ry. I want to be wanted, not dealt with...

I want to be more than just....Ry....

If you could make a magic wish for a futuristic gadget or high-tech innovation, what would your item do? 
Submitted by Red Pen.

   I would have to have a gadget that made it so I could understand any language and speak any language. That would be so kool. Knowledge is power, and man I could make a pretty penny being the ULTIMATE interpreter :)

  So I got my new classes this semester and have been in them twice so far. One is this great "Intro to Old Testitment" class that I love and think I will do well in. The other is a sociology class that I am slowly starting to dread.. The saving grace is my girlfriend is in it :) But other than that my teacher likes to proclaim she is a "femenist" and to tell the truth, I have NO IDEA what is going on in this class! I am utterly, completely, LOST. :) <- Sarcasm smiley. I think I will get a Volley ball and name him Wilson...

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You're trapped in a (temporarily) out of order elevator - who would you like to be trapped with? 
Submitted by tbtissimus.

Me with the mind I have would generally snap to being trapped in an elevator with my girlfriend *wink wink nudge nudge* BUT my girlfriend happens to be TERRIFIED of elevators so I doubt I'd have a fun time keeping my lovely girl from passing out and having a panic attack. Which the situation seems unlikely anyways because when I'm with her, we take the stairs :) So I would have to say... God. If I would ever have a chance to meet God in my life yes, I would like to be stuck in an elevator with Him lol I imagine (depending on how STUCK we really were) that I could ask him all my truely deep thoughted questions to him and come out of the jammed elevator a brighter, more inteligent person and if not.. I could say "Hey, I got to meet God in a trapped elevator" :)

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I AM an emotional person. When shit happens emotions are evoked in me and I don't know how else to get them out. I AM a loud person, I laugh loud, I tell stories loud, I talk loud when Im excited. When I am mad, when I am sad, I explain things loud because Im trying to get the point across to you AND me. I don't overreact and I don't freak out, I can't express my feelings in a whisper. If it pissed me off I'll show it, if it made me cry you'll see it. I am what I feel and it will show. I'm sorry.

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  Why do dreams mean anything.. why can't they mean nothing. Then my dreams would just be sad stories of another person and wouldn't reflect me. Some of us don't want to look in the mirror you know. I dream of everyone looking at me, then they turn around. Simply a spin of the heels and walk away... They all walk away. Abandonment.. I've always had trouble with it, a toy inside that never undwound itself... Family, friends, and my gf all turned and left. What leaves me with nothing, no, less than nothing. There is something that hangs in the air when you have absolutely no one.. I've known that feeling before, it's a cold that stays at your fingertips, a spike at the tip of your tongue, a feint that lowers your eyes.. Dreams should mean nothing.. I have everything why dream like I have nothing. Dreams should mean nothing.

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Seriously... wtf. Drama is THE most useless waste of emotion I have ever seen, almost more that guilt and jealousy. Why can't it all just stop? It's like watching a car crash in slow motion, you know it's going to happen, you see it happening, but there is nothing you can do to stop. You can yell and scream but that does nothing, and brings attention to yourself. I'm watching the car crash so closely that I can't see the car.. the one behind me that's going to hit me. The question isn't what it represents... but who's driving it. I'll find out sooner or later. Either when I jump out of the way, or when I lay on the cold pavement and know, just know.. I hate drama..

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 So! Last night I went and got the midnight release, after being the second person in my line to get my receipt I spent an hour debating against a full table of alliance that Horde was superior because I was the only "Hordie" there (sad face for me) Some girl told me "I knew you were a hordie, sitting over there all kool and muscley".... So I took that as a compliment not knowing what ELSE to take it as lol Wasn't long to install, maybe 25 mins and I immediately made my Blood Elf which are BY FAR. Sweet hair, kool laugh, and hey... Pally anyone? So DEFINATELY get this expansion! Please! I will be posting pictures of the Blood Elf city soon for all to see :) Cuz its pretty!

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I'm going at 11pm to the local EB for the MIDNIGHT release of Burning Crusade! Can't wait! Of course I'll prolly be so zombie tired by the time I get home I might not be able to install it lol But hell! Im there hoping for some swag! Hope you faithfuls are going tonight too!

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